he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
