my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Will exercising make me less horny?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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