all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Come share oat with me in your robe
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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