TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
