hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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