If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
