I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
