We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
