It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
