oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
