I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
