dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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