You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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