This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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