Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
