8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
