scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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