no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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