I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
