While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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