I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have post one night stand depression
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