Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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