So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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