So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You made out with two different species that night
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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