so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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