You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
