I would go down on you faster than GM stock
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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