Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
