i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
