Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
