My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
