I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
