problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
