Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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