My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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