at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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