Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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