I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
