Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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