When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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