Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize