So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
