god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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