I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
