is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
