there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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