i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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