hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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