I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
