I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I want her autograph on my taint
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
