i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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