nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
