When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
