Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
