dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
