On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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