No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
