I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
