My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
