Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
