I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When are your genitals available?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize