I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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