he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize