How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
