I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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